Clean Communication

AVOID JUDGEMENTAL WORDS AND LOADED TERMS

These are words and comments that are designed to communicate to others that they are personally flawed or wrong. This attacks and undermines their feelings of self-worth.

AVOID GLOBAL LABELS

Generalized condemnations of another’s identity “stupid, sexist, crazy, selfish, lazy, useless, evil”

During an argument, these labels may feel correct, just, and proper punishment, but the result is loss of trust and loss of closeness.

AVOID ‘YOU’ MESSAGES OF BLAME AND ACCUSATION

The message of a ‘You’ statement is, “I am in pain, you did it to me and you are bad and wrong for it”

“You” statement: “You’re always spoiling our evening by being late”

“I” statement: “When you come home late, I feel frustrated about missing the evening with you”

Remember: Complaint Vs. Criticism

AVOID OLD HISTORY

Stick with the issue at hand. Bringing up all the past problems presents the message, “You’re bad, you’re bad, you’re bad. You’ve always had this flaw and it’s not getting better.”

Sometimes the past can provide a useful perspective, but do not use the past to ‘build a case’ against someone. A simple rule to follow: Never bring up the past when angry. Anger turns the past into a club as opposed to a source of information.

AVOID THREATS

Threats are a punishment. “If you do that, I will tell everyone about ….” The intention to hurt is tremendously destructive to your relationship and towards solving the problem.

AVOID NEGATIVE COMPARISON

Negative comparisons never resolve anything, their sole function is to punish and attack. Remember that clean communication is about helping express yourself and hear your partner not tear them down.

DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS RATHER

THAN ATTACKING WITH THEM

When you describe your feelings, you use clarifying words to make them understood, “I am feeling hurt and withdrawn…. I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do.” The description directly identifies the emotion, without leaving your partner feeling attacked by it.